An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer’s mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed." Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this there were hundreds of Indians in various stages of different positions of making love. Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?!", screamed the billionaire. "Why, it’s exactly what you asked for", said the artist smugly. "NO! I didn’t ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer’s last thoughts!" "And there you have it", said the artist. " I call it ‘Holy cow! Look at all those f**king Indians!’"
The patient’s family gathered to hear what the specialist had to say. "Things don’t look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked one of the relatives. "For a male brain, $200,000. For a female brain, $500,000." At this, some of the younger female relatives tried to look shocked, but all of the women nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient’s son was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in prices between male and female brains?" "A standard pricing practice", said the head of the team. "Men’s brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used."
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you
which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one
will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the
thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off
your ear.'
Office work dull?...None
of your colleagues appreciate your humour?...Amuse yourself. (Points are awarded
on a degree of difficulty basis. You can award yourself extra points for
creative execution.)
ONE-POINT GAGS
1) Run one lap around the
office at top speed THREE-POINT GAGS
1) Say to your boss, "I
like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers. FIVE POINT GAGS
1) At the end of a meeting,
suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the
national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
The Bum
A bum asks a man for
two dollars. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?' The bum said, No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, '1No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what
happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
2) Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must
be in the bathroom at the time)
3) Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you
4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say
"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"
5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and
grimace.
6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,
"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,
"Sorry, I really prefer it this way"
8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9) While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that,
I don't want to have to repeat it".
3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there
must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
2) Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing
irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number
two".
5) After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in,
"the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter,
"Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".
8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness,
I'll never go hungry again".
9) In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna
trade?"
11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person Do you hear
that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"
12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk
about it"
13) Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for
four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very
important conference call.
15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and
act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
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