Horse For Sale
An old farmer
is outside for a walk around his land when he sees a sign on
his neighbour's lawn; "Horse for Sale". Curious, he decides to have a
look-see. As he approaches his neighbour's stable, he sees his old Italian
friend brushing down a fine-looking stallion.
"Hello friend, I saw your sign out there and came over to see your horse
for sale." Now, the Italian farmer speaks very poor English, but manages to
answer well enough. "Yep, yep, disa is da horse for-a sale."
"This horse here?" quizzes the old farmer, "Why he's a fine horse! Why-ever
would you sell him?"
"Well," sighs the Italian farmer, "He no looka so good anymore."
The old farmer, convinced that his neighbour has lost his mind, makes the
sale and leads the horse across his field over to the stable. As he taps
the horse gently on the back to coax him into the stable, he watches as the
horse misses the door completely and smacks head first into the wall. "That
ol' cheat sold me a near blind horse!" growls the old farmer. He then
proceeds to storm over across the field, reigns in hand, to give his
neighbour a piece of his mind. "You sold me a near blind horse you ol'
cheat and you didn't even tell me!" he screams.
"Eh! I tolla you!" cries the Italian farmer, "I say, 'he no looka so good
anymore!' "
A Bit
of Irish
Two Irishmen
walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird
section. Mike says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks
if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage
op dere," says Mike, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two
guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Mike's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and
stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand
place, eh?" says Mike. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Mike wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh
Paddy?" says Mike. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on
his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a
few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the
cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too
fockin' dangerous for me"
======- PART TWO =======
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he
walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the
bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a
gun.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of
the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows
the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a
SPLAT!, as he joins Mike's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head
and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been
to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead
of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the
cliff with the usual result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Mike wit his
budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin' hen
gliding"
The Van Gogh Family Tree
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van
Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother...............................Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt .....................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes..........................Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle ..............................Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store.......Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia.....................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois............................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle..................................Wherediddy Gogh
His Italian uncle...................................Day Gogh
His Mexican cousin..................................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach .................Wellsfar Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt...........................Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco............................Go Gogh
The bird lover uncle................................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst............................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin.............................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking................Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew............................Poe Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van......Winnie Bay Gogh
A
vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked
himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other
bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until
finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind
him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all
screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I sure didn't!"
Doing a Test Blonde Style
The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists Of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half and hour. But," she says, "I am rechecking my answers."
Lawyers
A lawyer walks into his client's death row cell and says, "I've got good news, and bad news for you." The prisoner says, "Okay. What's the bad news?" "The bad news is that the Governor won't issue a stay of your execution." "Oh that's terrible. What possibly could be the good news?" "The good news is that I got your voltage reduced!"
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