Jokes 4

The Rich Guy…

One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted. The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So at the party, he and his friends are all standing around drinking, and partying next to the pool. The guy gets up on the lifeguard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says, "OK, the first person that swims across my pool will get all my money.

No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, and says, "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house." Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes." Still, no one moves, not even an eye blinks this time. "OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all my property, all my stocks, bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own." "Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan - he's all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on the tower jumps down and runs over to him. "That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done."

"Do you want the money now or later?"

"I don't want the money."

"Do you want the house now or later?"

"I don't want the house."

"Do you want the cars and planes now or later?"

"I don't want the cars or planes."

"Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?"

"I don't want that either."

"Do you want the girls now or later?"

"I don't want the girls."

The rich guy looks at him and says "Well, what the hell do you want?!?!"

"I want the bastard who pushed me in."

Spuds

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't
want to soil their own hands. They are called ... "Dick Tators."

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to
watch while others do the work. They are called ... "Speck Tators."

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with
the way others do the work. They are called ... "Comment Tators."

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to
agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet. They are
called ..."Agie Tators."

There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around
to actually doing the promised help. They are called ... "Hezzie Tators."

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not.
They are called ... "Emma Tators."

Then there are those who love and do what they say they will. They are
always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand.
They bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called ...
"Sweet Tators."

Then some of these people that are commonly known as tators have children.
They are called ... "Tator Tots."

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Blonde Jokes

A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?" "No, silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6000 for these boobs, I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'" So, then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and thought, 'I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'" "So, then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought 'This is going to make a loud noise,' so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

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Two blondes were working on a house. One, who was nailing down sidings would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?" The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!" The second blonde got very angry and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"

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A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning."

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A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"? The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am ... that's your air freshener."

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This blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bath tub up with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman asked," Pasteurised?" The blonde said, "No. Just up to my breasts."

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PRISON VS. WORK

- In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
- At work you spend most of your time in a 5x8 cubicle.

- In prison you get 3 meals a day.
- At work you get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

- In prison you get time off for good behaviour.
- At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

- In prison a guard locks, unlocks, opens and closes doors for you.
- At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all doors yourself.

- In prison you get your own toilet.
- At work you have to share.

- In prison they allow you to visit your family and friends.
- At work you can't even speak to family and friends.

- In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
- At work, you get to pay all the expenses to get to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

- In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside, wanting to t out.
- At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

- In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
- At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

- In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic and psychotic.
- At work we call them managers.

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